The pressures of "home leave"
As I pack my bags for tomorrow's flight back to California for the summer, I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster. Living in Japan as an expat has been a whirlwind of experiences, and while I'm excited to reunite with family and friends, I can't help but feel a mixture of anxiety and anticipation. The reality of expat life is far more complex than it seems, and returning home brings its own set of emotional challenges.
Curiosity and Pressure to Entertain: One of the first things I notice when I go back is the curiosity people have about my life in Japan. Everyone seems eager to hear about my adventures, the places I've visited, and the unique experiences I've had. While this interest is heartwarming, it also creates pressure. I feel like I need to present a picture-perfect narrative, making every experience sound extraordinary. This pressure can be overwhelming, as I worry about meeting everyone's high expectations and delivering stories that match their fascination.
Admiration and Expectation: Living abroad has earned me a certain level of admiration from my peers. They see my ability to navigate new cultures and environments as a sign of courage. While this admiration is flattering, it also leads to self-imposed pressure. I constantly worry about appearing brave and successful, fearing that any admission of difficulty or vulnerability might shatter the image they've built of me. This expectation can be a heavy burden to carry, especially when I'm dealing with my own insecurities and challenges.
Misunderstanding and Isolation: The glamorous image of expat life often overshadows its realities. Many people don't see the struggles, the loneliness, and the everyday challenges that come with living in a foreign country. This misunderstanding can make me feel isolated. I sometimes hesitate to share my struggles, fearing that others won't understand or might judge me for not living up to the idealized version of expat life. This isolation can be particularly tough when I'm back home, surrounded by people who haven't shared my experiences.
Interest and Impostor Syndrome: Friends and family often seek my insights on international matters, from cultural differences to global trends. While their interest is flattering, it can also be daunting. The fear of not living up to their expectations or feeling like an impostor can create significant stress. I worry about whether my perspectives are valuable enough and whether I truly have the expertise they believe I do. This imposter syndrome can make conversations feel like a test rather than a sharing of experiences.
Questions and Uncertainty: Lastly, the constant questions about my future plans add to my anxiety. People are curious about what's next for me—where I'll go, how long I'll stay, and what new opportunities I might pursue. While their interest is genuine, it can amplify my own uncertainties. I find myself questioning my decisions and feeling unsettled about my next steps. This constant questioning can make it hard to enjoy the present moment and appreciate the journey I'm on.
As I prepare to leave for California, these emotions are swirling inside me. I remind myself that it's okay to feel this way and that these pressures are part of the expat experience. Sharing my true feelings and embracing vulnerability can help bridge the gap between the glamorous perception and the real challenges of living abroad. Tomorrow, as I board the plane, I'll carry these reflections with me, ready to embrace the joys and challenges of reconnecting with my roots.
Returning home is a chance to share not just the highlights but the full spectrum of my expat journey. It's an opportunity to be honest about the highs and lows, to connect with loved ones on a deeper level, and to remind myself that it's okay to be human, with all the complexities that come with it. As I navigate this emotional rollercoaster, I hold on to the hope that my experiences will enrich my relationships and help me grow both as an expat and as an individual.
Are you an expat who is going on "home leave" for the summer and feel any of the above? I'd love to connect!
Munisha,
The Holistic Expat